Kyatchi

Kyatchi is quite possibly the best sushi I've ever had.

Of course, I offer the caveat that I live in Minneapolis, MN, so what do I know about sushi? Well, let me tell you... I know a lot about sushi and I'm offended by the accusation I just made about myself, and the midwest in general. I've been eating sushi for most of my adult life. I've eaten at nearly every sushi restaurant in the Twin Cities over the past decade, many of which I would rank among the best places I've visited in New York City and San Francisco. I'm not saying I'm some kind of sushi expert, just that I love sushi and eat it every chance I get, and also that I'm probably some kind of sushi expert.

Before dining here last night, about three weeks after they opened on the corner of 38th and Nicollet, I probably would've named Nami as the best sushi I've had in the Twin Cities, or possibly the downtown Origami location, both of which are still strong contenders for the title, but I dunno. The quality and flavor of the fish at Kyatchi was akin to visiting Shangri-La... and then going to a really good sushi restaurant, or something. Anyway, it was good sushi. I would definitely say that the menus at places like Nami or Origami, or even Tango, Fuji-ya, et all, are larger and more extensive than the one at Kyatchi, but when you taste compare the fish you'll understand why that's some what unimportant.

I don't even think you need to get any rolls at Kyatchi, just sashimi, since the fish is so good. Our waiter said something about where their fish is from, how it's shipped to ensure freshness or something, but I'll admit I didn't really pay attention. It's not him, it's me. I generally don't listen when people talk. I'm an asshole. Maybe my sister, with whom I dined last night, listened and will post what he said in the comments, but I have a sneaking suspicion she wasn't paying attention either. Anyway: The sashimi tasted like candy, and was just perfect. Literally from the first taste I knew this place was special. I don't remember exactly what we got, but there was something white, some kind of tuna, and scallops, which were amazing. We also got some rolls too, which somehow had the best rice I've ever had in a sushi restaurant. It was flavorful without being overpowering, and was warm and soft and not chewy like 99% of the rice you get elsewhere.

We also got a side of "Japanese potato salad," which seemed to be just mashed potatoes. They were fine, but bland. I don't need to get those again. They menu also has hot dogs, which seems odd, but they actually look really good, and I suppose are "japanese-ified" (my word, not theirs), with odd toppings. I'll try one of those next time.

The tap list was surprisingly huge, and possibly the most extensive at any sushi restaurant in the twin cities, with some local selections and imports. It was happy hour when we dined, which I think got us $2 off taps, and a few cheaper starters.

Although, to be perfectly clear, cheaper didn't mean cheap, since this isn't a cheap dining experience, but then again, sushi never is. The drink selections for happy hour are great, but I would like to have seen a few more sushi rolls and discounted prices. The only happy hour food we got was the potato salad (more out of curiosity than because it sounded good), and the sashimi combo, which had (I think) four pieces and cost 9 bucks, which is really expensive in my opinion, but it was so fucking delicious I'll totally get it every time I go and have no regrets. We also finished things off with some donut the waiter recommended, which was fine. Hell, it was good even, but it was also just a donut.

Our server's name was Tim, and he was also worth raving about. If you've ever had dinner with me or my sister, then you know how embarrassing and awkward we are, and Tim just rolled with it, and even made a pretty convincing performance of finding us tolerable. He even laughed at some of our jokes, which makes him something of a hero right there. Anyway, if you go to Kyatchi, make sure you sit in Tim's section. He's the nice guy who looks like Crispin Glover.

Here's the highest compliment I can pay to the food at Kyatchi: I forgot to take pictures of almost all of it because it looked so good I just had to eat it. If you've ever eaten with me (or just follow me on instagram), you know how extraordinary that is. I eat a lot of cold meals because I take so many pictures first. But we were nearly done before I realized I didn't take any pictures. Luckily we got another roll so I could take a picture, but I do wish I had gotten more shots of the sashimi since it was as beautiful as it was delicious. But I guess that just gives me one more reason to go back.

Sarpino's

(Guest review by my buddy Jester:)

I was all set to sit on my couch eat chicken tenders from Dulono's and watch Once Upon Time, but when I called to order my food, the woman on the phone told me they were out of chicken tenders. Disappointed, I went to the internet to try to find another place that would bring pieces of chicken to me. I found Sarpino's. I've never ordered from them before, but I was hungry and I wanted some dang chicken tenders!

I ordered my food a little after 4pm and was told that delivery would take 50-60 minutes. When I still hadn't received my food by 5:30, I called to check on it. The man on the other end said that my food still hadn't left the store, but that I could expect it in about 15 minutes. He also said he would take 25% off for the trouble.

At 6:20 I called again to cancel my order. As soon as I did there was a knock on my door. I got my food for free. Two hours later I sat down with my chicken tenders.

They were cold, but pretty good. The BBQ sauce was a little too sweet, but alright. Things were starting to look ok; I finally got my chicken and I didn't pay... and then it happened. I took a bite of my third chicken tender and I hit bone!

So would I tell you to order from Sarpinos? No. I guess I should've just taken it as a sign that I wasn't supposed to eat chicken tenders tonight when Dulono's told me they had none. Lesson learned.

Donald Ate There

This website used to be called "Blog on a Stick," and it contained restaurant reviews of places in the Twin Cities. It is now called "Donald Ate There," and it contains restaurant reviews of places in the Twin Cities.

Why the change? Honestly, I never really liked the old name and since then I've been taking a lot of pictures of my little Donald figure, I thought I may as well included him in the title and overall concept. Also, I stopped posting for a long time because I got bored and figured a site redesign would reignite my interest. Of course,  partly got bored because I kept going to the same places over and over again, but I have since been to lots of new places, and figured this site needed an update.

So... Donald Ate There, where I'll be posting my opinions on places where Donald Ate... There.

Hope you enjoy, and any feedback and suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

JJ's Coffee + Wine Bistro

Uptown has another coffee shop, which at this point seems about as ridiculous as Uptown getting another Thai restaurant, condo development, douche bar, or a third outdoorsy sportswear store sandwiched in between the Timberland and the Northface. At this point, Uptown Minneapolis must be rivaled only by Seattle and Portland for having the highest number of coffee shops per capita, and since almost all of them are truly exceptional, any newbies are going to have to really struggle to not only distinguish themselves, but to justify their very existence. Well, JJ's Coffe + Wine Bistro opened maybe a couple months ago so I just tried it last Friday, and I've been back every morning since then.

JJ's doesn't just prove itself worthy of trying to sell coffee in the Hipster capital of America, but it pretty much ups the game for all Uptown coffee shops. Anyway, I have a new favorite place to hang out in the mornings.

Maybe it isn't even fair to compare JJ's to other coffee shops since it defines itself as a "coffee + wine bistro," whatever that means. I guess it means they don't just sell coffee, but wine, beer, and food as well. So far, I've only come in the mornings so I haven't had a chance to try out their evening selection, but if it's anything like the morning, I'm sure it's pretty cool. To begin with, this is the most beautiful coffee shop I've ever seen, so much so that I actually felt a little intimidated and uncomfortable the first time I walked in. I mean, it doesn't look like a coffee shop, but like some kind of bar you'd find on the lower east side of Manhattan, and I almost expected to turn a corner and see Woody Allen sipping a martini with Spaulding Grey. That's what happens in New York, right? Who's Spaulding Grey? Anyway, everything is shiny (even the wood) and sparkling and clean, with tables along the all glass window wall that faces Lake Calhoun and various hidden booths that are placed in the walls like little nooks. There's even a widescreen TV up on the wall, and their menus are actually vertically hung widescreen tvs as well. That's some fancy stuff right there. You order at a counter that is a little awkwardly placed in the middle of the bar, so there isn't much space to line up, but luckily there has only been a line once.

And the patio is awesome. The chairs are ridiculously comfortable (why are patio chairs almost always horrific?) and the space itself is long and thin so there is a lot of room for tables but you still don't feel as though people are right on top of you. It is also right across the street from Lake Calhoun, so while the view isn't exactly breathtaking, it's quite lovely. 

The service so far has ranged from ok to great. The best service I received from a young Asian woman who was exceedingly polite and helpful and a taller dark haired gentleman with (I think) a mustache and goatee. My other encounters with the servers here left me thinking they were maybe a little bored or otherwise unengaged, which is fine and better than being rude. I also had my dish taken away once by a very beautiful girl wearing a batman t-shirt, but that was the full extent of our interaction, but like Mr. Bernstein's monologue in Citizen Kane, not a day will go by that I won't think about that girl.

The food is unexceptional, but still very good. The first time I came I got a breakfast burrito that was serviceable but boring, and came with a side of salsa that tasted like Pace. That's fine because I like Pace, but I wouldn't recommend it. On my second visit I got a caramel apple fritter that the server suggested I try warm, and it was very good. It didn't taste like it was freshly made nor did it really distinguish itself as something I couldn't get ay any other coffee shop in town, but again... it was a caramel apple fritter so it was good.

(Interjection: For what it's worth, a woman at a table near me just said to her friend, "I don't know where they get their baked goods, but they should switch." But these women actually dragged three tables and put them together lengthwise in the middle of the patio effectively blocking anybody's passage around their group, so clearly they're idiots.)

On my third visit (this morning), I got a breakfast sandwich and it was pretty great. I ordered the "Southwestern" which is an egg sandwich that comes topped with cheese, red and green peppers, and mushrooms, but I think I actually received the "Fargo," which is basically the same thing only without the mushrooms. I'm not sure if I was charged for the more expensive one or not, but it's only a quarter and I didn't really care either way since it was a very tasty breakfast sandwich. As far as these things go, it was probably the best "egg mcmuffin" style sandwich I've had in a coffee shop that wasn't actually a full-on restaurant. This isn't going to beat what you'd get at Common Roots, but I still recommend it highly.

Oh, and since this place is a coffee shop, I suppose I'd better get around to talking about their coffee. Every time I'd come I've gotten something called 494 Blend (I think that's the name) and it's just about the best cup of coffee I've ever had. They don't use a clover or any other type of single cup brewing system nor do I know anything about their roasting and grinding, but this is still an exceptional cup of coffee, and it's the main reason I've come back every day. And, really, everything else aside, a damn good cup of coffee is all any coffee shop really needs.

I say... check it out.

Prime Bar

(This restaurant has closed)

First there was Figlio, a long-standing Calhoun Square staple that was beloved by all in Uptown, had great food, a killer happy hour, and good service. Of course, because it was popular, the management company Parasole (I think) closed it, gutted it, and rebranded it as the phenomenally dismal Il Gatto. Il Gatto was everything that Figlio wasn't: It was dark, dank, had a crummy menu, and was always claustrophobic, and not because it was every crowded, but because the layout was terrible. If you wanted to get happy hour (which wasn't very good to begin with), you had to sit in the tiny bar area at the center of the restaurant, far removed from any windows or views of the outside world. I'd imagine this bar was popular only with sailors used to living in a submarine.

Needless to say, Il Gatto didn't make it, freeing up the prime location for somebody else to swoop in, with the appropriately named Primebar. It's too soon to tell if it will replace Figlio (and the still mysteriously absent Independent) in the hearts and memories of Uptown drunks, but after five seconds I already preferred it to Il Gatto.

Not sure if I've mentioned this yet, but Il Gatto really, really sucked.

To begin with, Primebar is lovely, with big windows that look out on Lake Street, making the new space even brighter and more open than Figlio was. It wasn't the most stunning or striking restaurant I've ever seen, but it was nice and well designed and the best this space has looked in years. For whatever reasons Uptown's restaurants and bars tend to be dungeonous and dank and cavernous, so I always applaud a place that actually allows some sunlight and fresh air inside. I didn't notice any patio seating, but that's ok with me since the tables on the sidewalk next to Lake street was always awful at the previous establishments. I'd much rather sit inside at a window than right on the sidewalk where buses zoom past, bikers knock into me, and those green vest charity beggars hound people for their credit card numbers.

I met my sister at 5:00 on Sunday evening to take advantage of their happy hour that runs from 3-7 Sunday through Thursday. I knew about the happy hour because I looked it up on their website, not because they have it posted anywhere. In fact, as of yet they don't even have a menu posted outside their door, which I find to be appalling. That's kind of a breach of restaurant etiquette 101. It wasn't desolate but not crowded either, and we got a table immediately, near a window and in view of at least three widescreen TVs hanging around the place all showing the Olympics. I love the Olympics and really like being able to check out a TV or two during dinner or happy hour, but if you're one of those people who hates TVs in bars, well... get over it already.

The happy hour menu itself was good for food but lacking for drinks. Well, lacking for beers anyway, since there were only two selections, one is Premium and the other is a rotating "manager's choice" selection, both for $2. Their tap beer selection is astoundingly good, so it's a real shame that their choices for happy hour are confined to one that is really mediocre and another that's a wildcard. I'd rather pay a little more than $2 and have a better selection of beers I'd actually like. There's also wine and well drinks available, but those might be a mixed bag as well. My sister got a gin and tonic that came totally flat. The waitress was understanding and apologetic and exchanged it immediately... with another gin and tonic that was just as flat. I'm not sure if that was a failure on the part of the waitress or the bartender, but that's pretty bad.

The food, however, was great and very well priced. We shared a few dishes, all of which were tasty and mostly made up for the weak drinks.

The pork sliders were pretty big and succulent, but be warned that they come topped with slaw. I used to live in the south so I'm used to BBQ coming smothered in slaw, and this was actually darn good slaw. I'd get these again.

The carnitas tacos were just as good and probably had the same pork, but that's ok because it was delicious. You got two with a side of salsa, both of which were covered with onion, avocado, and cheese (which I picked off because I'm not eating cheese this month).

The deviled eggs were plentiful and about as good as you'll ever get, although I could've done without the bacon (or whatever) on top.

And then we were still hungry so we got the warm pretzels, which seemed more like big loafs of pretzel bread, with honey mustard and cheese sauce for dipping. We definitely weren't hungry anymore after eating them.

Lots of pork there, now that I think about it, but that was pretty much all they offered. There was also hummus if you're into that sort of thing, but that was the only option for a vegan or anybody on a diet. I guess the biggest compliment I can pay to the food is that it all looked so good, I must've forgotten to take any pictures of anything to post here. Oh well.

So that's Primebar: A worthy and welcome new addition that will hopefully save the floundering Calhoun Square shopping center. The service was friendly and inviting (if not altogether exceptional) and the food was great. I liked the look of the rest of the menu and will definitely come back and get a real meal some day, probably after pay day since it's not the cheapest menu I've seen. I say... check it out.

The Lowbrow

The Lowbrow has slowly become my favorite restaurant in the Twin Cities. I've been going there almost every week or so for the past couple months, and if I've been remiss in writing up a review it's because I've been too busy eating their food to write about how good it is. Now, you'll notice I haven't said the Lowbrow is the best restaurant in the Twin Cities, nor that they have the best food or the most exceptional service: They simply have great food, good service, and an exceptional atmosphere that all adds up to the place that has become my first choice almost any time I'm hungry or just want to sit and get a beer. And I have no regrets about that.

I usually come to the Lowbrow for happy hour, since it's pretty great. They have a nice selection of (mostly) local taps for three bucks, similarly priced glasses of wine, and half price nachos which are fantastic and plentiful even if you just get the half-sized portion. I also really love their happy hour for another reason: It's just outside of Uptown (where I live), so it's usually not too crowded, it's never full of hipsters, frat boys, drunk girls, or just plain douches (no offense to Uptown! As I said, I live there and I love it... but you know...), and it's also a nice bike ride so I can trick myself into getting nachos and a couple beers and still think I'm getting some exercise.

My usual routine is to go to Comic Book College on Wednesday afternoon when their new stuff comes out, then take whatever I got over to Lowbrow where I read comics, drink a couple of Fulton Sweet Child of Vines, and usually get some nachos. During happy hour (3pm-5pm weekdays) the nachos are about three bucks, which is the price of a beer. You can also add on beef or pork or order a side of guacamole for an extra charge, but they don't need it. The nachos are pretty much perfect as is, and the salsa it comes with is fantastic... but I do sometimes get meat because meat makes everything better. But forget about the guacamole, since it's not that good. It was kind of bland and overly thick for my tastes. I don't know if they make their own guacamole or buy another brand, but it's the only thing I've ever tried here that was unspectacular.

Sometimes I skip the nachos (or just come for dinner) and get a burger. Their menu says they use "100% grass-fed Minnesota beef," and while that's all well and good, all I know is that they taste fantastic and come perfectly cooked. Anybody who has read my reviews of burger joints before knows that I love my burgers medium rare and rant and rave when a restaurant can't seem to cook a burger properly. The Lowbrow doesn't have this problem, and every burger I've ordered has come perfectly cooked every time. It always shocks me how rare it is to be able to get a burger that isn't... well...  medium rare. And this isn't because some restaurants are afraid of food-born illness, it's just because lots of places don't know how to cook a burger to order, or -- and I don't know if this is better or worse -- just don't care. The Lowbrow cares, and that's one of the main reasons I keep coming back. I also really love their buns, which are soft and tasty and seem freshly baked. It also shocks me how many places get fancy with their buns and use breads that are all but impossible to bite into, but I don't want to start off on another rant...

The burger I get most often is The Fire Breather, which is "chili rubbed with chipotle gouda, sauteed jalapenos, and spicy mayo." If that doesn't sound good to you, you're crazy. And if it does sound good to you, it's actually even better than you think. This would be on my list of the five or so best burgers I've ever had. I've had their other burgers as well, and they're all good because the quality is in the meat and the preparation, but the Fire Breather is definitely my favorite.

However, I've been off cheese lately (in my attempt to last the entire month of July without eating any cheese or drinking any milk), so I've been branching out. I could order the Fire Breather without cheese, of course, but what would be the point? It's sort of like this upcoming Jason Bourne movie starring Jeremy Renner in the lead. I'm sure it will be a good movie, but I'll just rewatch the ones with Matt Damon, thank you very much. Anyway, I've also had their pulled pork sandwich a few times, and it's pretty great, but it's not going to replace something you'd get at a local, dedicated BBQ joint. But it's still a darn good sandwich. Even better is their homemade fish sticks, which is basically just their version of fish and chips. Nobody who doesn't live here would believe me when I say this, but Minneapolis has somehow become something of a mecca for amazing fish and chips, and these more than stack up to the best I've had here. They are smaller and more "stick like," but the fish itself is fresh and perfectly cooked, and the batter is very light so you can really taste how good the fish is. They come with a fantastic house-made tartar sauce, and the waiter even brought along a bottle of malt vinegar before I could even ask, which is always a sign that a place means business.

Oh, and everything comes with fries, and if I haven't mentioned that already, it's only because I was saving the best for last. Here's all I'll say: fresh, house-cut, and perfect.

And the place is just cool, with a huge mural on the wall that some people might find garish but I think it's awesome. The colors are all muted earth tones, the wall paper and art is kitschy without being annoying, and the bar is topped with hundreds of laminated baseball cards. There's a nice selection of tables and booths, and even some tables out front on the sidewalk if you're into that sort of thing. I usually go for a booth, but I've sat outside when I was with people who wanted to be outside, and while I prefer a patio to sidewalk seating, the sidewalk is wide enough that it wasn't a problem.

So... that's the Lowbrow. Just go check it out already, and if you come on a Wednesday around 4:00 and see a bearded guy in the corner reading a comic book, come say hi.

George and the Dragon Pub

I really wanted to love this place, so I was a little disappointed when I merely liked it a whole lot. But considering the fact that they've only been open two weeks, George and the Dragon Pub is off to a great start and has the potential to turn my strong affection all the way toward true love.

GandD is located on the corner of 50th and Bryant, sandwiched between Patina and the Malt Shop in the location that used to be Black Bird. Forgetting the fire that took down Black Bird and Patina, this is a fantastic location for a restaurant and it's in the middle of a neighborhood that has severely been lacking a great local pub. I'm happy to say that GandD has in just two weeks proven itself to be a very good local pub, bordering on great. If you're looking for a beer, the selection is fantastic, with a range including a few local breweries like Summit, Brau Brothers, and Fulton, and some more distant but still nice breweries like Old Speckled Hen. Personally, I'd choose Bass over Old Speckled Hen, but all in all it's a great selection of beers and the older, bald-headed waiter (sorry!) was clearly knowledgeable and excited to answer any questions or offer recommendations.  He wasn't my waiter, but I enjoyed watching his interactions with the tables around me.

They also have a wine list that looks pretty extensive and well rounded, but I don't know nothing about wines so I can't comment. But my friend did get some wine, and it came in a really neat looking glass, so there's that.

The food menu didn't excite me quite as much as the beer menu, but it didn't let me down either. It seemed to be one of those menus that looks great at first glance, but as you read the descriptions, you start to notice things that just sound weird, with almost every selection having at least one ingredient that just sounds... off. Like the cheeseburger that comes with frizzled leeks. Or the Banh Mi with green beans. And while it is definitely cool to have a menu that combines traditional Irish pub fare like Bangers & Mash with more exotic choices like the aforementioned Banh Mi, it will be interesting to see how it goes over in South Minneapolis... a city where people actually consider something like a Banh Mi to be "exotic."

But enough about the menu: Let's get to the actual review already.

I arrived right at 3:00 on a Wednesday afternoon, since that's when they're happy hour begins. I knew this not because it's posted either on their website or Facebook page, but because I had to email them to ask. Happy hour is from 3-5, Monday-Thursday, offering $3.00 taps and certain discounted glasses of wine. No discounted appetizers, which I found disappointing, but the waitress did offer to bring a different menu just for munchies. First piece of advice for George: Don't have a separate, secret menu for cheaper, smaller plates. Just have a couple discounted apps for Happy Hour.


I started with a glass of the Dark Horse Crooked Tree IPA and an order of Onion Rings. The beer was fantastic and the onion rings were exceptional. The rings were big and thickly coated, but still oniony and not greasy at all. They came with a side of some kind of chipotle mayo that was pretty good but not all together amazing. But the onion rings themselves were pretty great and well worth the trip. I mean... if you love onion rings, that is.

I probably could've been satisfied on just the onion rings alone since they were big and plentiful, but I only ate half because I wanted to order something else to make this more than just a review of a plate of onion rings. I really wanted a burger, but the only one that really sounded appealing was the plain version with just tomato and arugula, so I ordered the Banh Mi instead because I wanted to be adventurous and really see what this kitchen can do. Not everybody can make an exceptional burger, but a bad burger is still a burger. A bad Banh Mi, on the other hand, is a disaster.

This one wasn't a disaster, but it wasn't the best I've ever had... but that doesn't mean it wasn't high on the list. The first couple bites were a little off, but then I took the green beans out and it got a whole lot better. I like green beans as much as anybody, but as a side, not as a part of a sandwich. They just are too oddly shaped, awkwardly more crunchy than anything else in the sandwich, and just have a flavor that didn't exactly overpower the other elements on the bread, but it didn't compliment them either. The pork was fantastic with a really nice, interesting flavor, and seemed to be shredded instead of a big chunk which I liked and made it easy to eat. Then there was a nice wasabi mayo, daikon, and pickled carrots. This was a very good sandwich... but take off the green beans.

Unfortunately, the french fries (or "handmade chips") that came on the side left a lot to be desired. They were clearly fresh and hand-chopped, but they just weren't cooked enough so they were soggy and just unappealing. They were thick, which I love, but that just made them all the worse because they seemed limp and flaccid. And I'm talking about french fries here, people! When I go back -- and I will, because bad french fries aside, the place was great -- I'll ask them to make my fries extra crispy. But too be sure, I shouldn't have to do that, since the chef should know already that long, limp, undercooked fries are such a disappointment they can knock a perfect A+ down to a B. Sorry to talk so long about fries, but these had the potential to be just as amazing as the onion rings, but they really fell flat.

About the service I can honestly say that it was both good and bad, since the first server's shift ended midway though the meal so she handed us off to somebody else. I didn't catch anybody's name, but the first young lady was attentive -- but not too attentive, which can be annoying -- helpful, and very friendly. I started out alone just to read and have a beer or two, and she mostly left me alone, coming along only when I wanted her to, which seemed to border on the supernatural. The next guy was fine, but bland and a little too slow and attentive, even forgetting to bring my friend's wine until she asked him about it. But to be fair, when I first arrived there were maybe two other people in the place, but toward the end it was close to filling to capacity, so the difference in service quality had a lot to do with that as well.

I also met the owner Frederico Navarro, who was very friendly and likable. I was reading a comic book, and he came over and asked what it was, then told me he's a big fan of Moebius, so we chatted about him for a bit. I liked the guy and respected his ability to know exactly when to come over and introduce himself, and then when to exit the conversation so he could attend to his job and I could get back to my comic.

So all of this was my long, round about way of saying I really liked my first happy hour / dinner at George and the Dragon, but they still have a bit more work to do before it officially becomes my favorite place to hang out. It's right on my bike route to and from work, so if they ever fix those fries and make the service quality a little more consistent, I'll definitely want to become a regular.

I say... check it out.

Uptown Bathroom Survival Guide

Uptown Minneapolis has a lot of bars and coffee shops and restaurants, so that means a lot of people in Uptown have to pee. Sometimes finding a nice -- or, even usable -- bathroom can be an adventure, especially on a weekend when the streets are full of drunk people all on the same mission as you. So that's why I've put together this Uptown bathroom survival guide. I've lived in Uptown for years, and I'm always on the look out for a nice place to do my business.

Anyway, let's get to it. Click on each location's name to be taken to a Google map.

Jackson's Coffee & Gelato
This is my pick for the best bathroom in Uptown. It's always clean, fresh, and well stocked. Even better, there's a back door connected to the bathroom hallway so you can go in and out without being seen or feeling the need to buy anything. Just enter in the side on Bryant. There are two bathrooms, one female and one male, both are singles. Of course, once you're in there you may as well hang out and get a bottle of Bubble Up or some gelato.

Calhoun Square
Lovely facilities. Calhoun Square is a large, mostly abandoned shopping plaza that somehow still has money, so they have great, lush, clean bathrooms that are always stocked and usually empty. They are upstairs, across the hall from Sushi Tango, and just before the exit to the parking ramp. Pretty sure the men's room has two urinals and two stalls, so you'll be treated like a king.

Lunds
Want to talk about money? Lunds is money. Prepare yourself for the cleanest, nicest bathrooms in Uptown. Located on the loft above the produce section, there are two single, unisex bathrooms way in the back, past the magazines and greeting cards. There's even a bench outside in case you need to wait. I live right down the street and actually had to use these bathrooms all the time a few months ago when the toilet in my apartment was broken. I've even been known to sneak down the street to use them when I've had company over. I didn't mind, cause this bathroom is money.


Rainbow
Rainbow ain't money. Rainbow is cheap and gross. I shop there and I've peed there, but I ain't proud of either. This isn't a very good bathroom, but it's there and Rainbow is open 24 hours, so go for it. I've gone for it. 

Booksmart
Located in the basement of Cheapo, Booksmart is a sprawling book store with a pretty nice bathroom way on the back left. There's even a sign pointing toward it because they must know how often people come down there just to pee. Booksmart is a really cool bookstore, but it's huge and usually empty so the bathroom is pretty secluded so it's perfect if you need some privacy. Don't bring in any books that you haven't purchased though, because that's just rude.

McDonald's
As fast food places go, this is ok. This wouldn't be my first choice, but it's on the corner of Hennepin and Lagoon, so it's centrally located and easy to get to. The bathroom is to the right when you first come in, so you don't have to pass the counter or talk to any employees. It's not going to be clean, of course, but it's also not going to be the worst. Then again, I don't think I've ever used this bathroom on a Friday or Saturday, and since I live right down the block, I don't think I ever will.

Lyndale Tap House
I'm not including many restaurants on this list, not only because that's a given that they'll have one, but because they're not usually easy to get to without being seen. But this one is. Go inside and make a right, then go downstairs to the basement and you're golden. You're taking a golden shower, that is. Anyway, lovely, clean, large bathrooms.

Caffrey's
Caffrey's has a bathroom, but you have to walk past the counter and all the way though the deli to get there.  But who cares? Certainly not the hipsters and stoners who work here. They're all nice people, but they're not the type to give a crap if you come in at night just to pee. Go for it, and get a sub while you're there. They're pretty good.

Mesa Pizza
Great pizza, decent bathroom. The bathroom is way down the hall toward the back, and there's even a backdoor you can sneak through without being seen. But stop and get a slice, since the pizza is good and the people there are cool.

Common Roots Cafe
Two bathrooms located to the side of the bar, but there's a side door you can enter through to access them without being seen. Nice bathrooms. 

Arby's
Don't use this bathroom. I mean, if you gotta go, you gotta go and lord knows we all gotta go sometimes. But there are other, better options around, and I'm only including this one because it exists. Have you ever eaten at Arby's? Of course not. No just imagine going to the bathroom there.

I'll update this as I think of more, and please feel free to send in suggestions.

Rusty Quarters Retro Arcade and Museum

(This establishment has closed)

I like Rusty Quarters a lot, but I desperately wish I could love them.

Rusty Quarters, in case you've never been there, bills itself as a "retro arcade and museum," which is to say they have a bunch of old arcade games. Most of their games are from the golden age of the 80s (Ms Pac-Man, Dig Dug, Donkey Kong, etc), but they also have a couple fighting games from the 90s, and Asteroids, which I think is the oldest game I've seen there. With at least three decades worth of game cabinets, I'll let them get away with calling themselves a museum.

Of course, museums aren't always fun, even when they are fascinating and full of history. As I said above, I like this arcade a lot, but I just don't really love it. I can't love a place that's only fun for about ten minutes two or three times a month, if that. Whenever I'm in that part of Uptown, I try to stop in and drop a couple quarters, but I always end up getting bored after about five minutes or so. This isn't a knock against Rusty Quarters, since it's a nice place with a decent selection of classic games, but that not all of these games really hold up after all these years.

Here is the list of games on their website, but I'm not sure how up to date it is:

Arkinoid
Asteroids
Attack from Mars Pinball
Bubble Bobble (Neo Geo Cabinet)
Burgertime
Centipede
Defender
Dig-Dug
Donkey Kong (2 of them!)
Donkey Kong Junior
Frogger
Funhouse Pinball

Galaga
Gauntlet II
Indiana Jones Pinball
Joust
Mario Bros.
Metal Slug X (Neo Geo Cabinet)
Mr. Do!
Ms. Pac-Man
Q*Bert
Rampage
Space Invaders Deluxe
Tetris
Track & Field
X-Men: Children of the Atom

I always play a round of Donkey Kong, and it's absolutely as fun today as it was back when Shigeru Miyamoto first unleashed it on the world back in 1981. RQ clearly knows this is their best game, since they have two cabinets. The sequel Donkey Kong Junior isn't as fun and doesn't hold up, in my opinion, but it's worth a quarter at least once.

After DK, the other games that hold up fairly well and make a visit worthwhile are Frogger, Ms. Pac-Man, Centipede, and maybe Space Invaders. Mario Bros. is also pretty fun, as long as you're playing with a friend and not by yourself.

Some of the others are worth checking out at least once, like Arkinoid, Q*Bert, and Dig-Dug, but most of these others are fairly forgettable. I was actually shocked by just how awful Gauntlet II was. I rememebr loving that game. Honestly, I'd like to see more games from the late 80s and early 90s. For a while they had a Street Fighter game, but it was one of the later ones so I didn't care for it. Get a just straight up Street Fighter 2 in there! Or some other classic beat em ups, like Final Fight, X-Men, or Turtles.

But I can't complain about what they don't have, since I can't imagine stocking a place like this is easy or cheap, so I'll applaud them on how they've managed to actually create a retro arcade in the heart of Uptown Minneapolis. It's not their fault most of these games aren't actually all that fun anymore. The owners are nice and friendly, and this is their third business venture in the same location. First it was a decent but not all together exceptional comic book store (which failed, I'm guessing, because the Twin Cities has more than a few exceptional comic book stores), then it was a cute but fairly forgettable hipster gift ship, and now it's Rusty Quarters, which I hope is hear to stay. Soda and candy are available for purchase, but I usually stop in after I've already some drinks at either Jackson's or Bryant Lake Bowl.

The cabinets all seem to be in good condition and look great. I certainly can't remember having any problems. Some of the slots have signs over them saying "use other slot," but I've never lost a quarter in one of their machines, and I'm confident that if I ever do the manager guy behind the counter would fix it or just reimburse me. My only real comment would be that the games could be louder. I'm saying, they could be obnoxiously loud, since that's how I remember Arcades sounding when I was a kid. You'd walk in and get bombarded by the sound effects and music from every game at once. I'm not saying they have to crank the sound up that much, but maybe a little more than they are now.

So I say check it out. All of the games only cost a quarter, and almost all of them are worth the price, and at least a few of them are worth even more.