Burger Jones

Burger Jones opened its doors only two or three months ago, and they're already selling t-shirts at the front register. I'm guessing they were probably selling t-shirts on opening night. Of course, there's nothing wrong with a restaurant that sells memorabilia, but when you start selling memorabilia before memories can even begin to form, it makes it clear you aren't just selling food, you're selling a brand. Again, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but the food better damn well live up to the hype you're trying to create, and -- at least judging from my first visit tonight -- it definitely does not.

Burger Jones is located in the Calhoun Village Shopping Center, at the end of the mall where Applebee's used to be. All things considered, it's a step up from Applebee's, but honestly not by much. At least Applebee's was cheap. At Burger Jones, most of their burgers run about ten bucks, and that's all you get. If you want fries, you have to shell out 3 bucks for an order, and another dollar for each "dipping sauce." A pet peeve of mine is burger joints that only serve chips, forcing you to pay for an upgrade to french fries. Burger Jones doesn't even give you chips, which makes it all the more insulting when you see how huge the platter is, containing only a burger that could politely be described as "modestly sized." They could've even have thrown in a pickle or even some kind of garnish?

I ate with my girlfriend Shannon and my sister Tanya and we split the "Tower," a big basket of regular fries, waffle fries, and sweet potato fries with your choice of 3 dipping sauces. It was definitely enough for 3 people to share, and at 10 bucks it wasn't that expensive, considering that the fries were hand cut, freshly cooked, and quite delicious. But, still, I'm devout in my belief that fries should come with a burger at no additional cost, especially considering how high the cost already is.

As for the burgers, they were ok but just ok. I might even go so far as to describe them as being "pretty good," but that's about all the praise I can muster. I ordered the Black and Blew Burger, which came topped with black pepper, onions, and blue cheese. Shannon ordered the Green Chili Burger, which came "smothered" in what seemed like a very limited amount of green chili. Tanya got something called a "Hangover Burger," which had a fried egg over the beef patty, and an even more limited amount of hot sauce. All of the burger sound interesting and almost exciting, but they were all missing... something. Upon reflection, I realized that that something was flavor. They simply didn't have much flavor, which was odd considering the abundant variety of toppings on each burger.

My burger was the best, but only because I love blue cheese and that was pretty much all I could taste. The hangover tasted like a fried egg, which the green chili was almost non existent in my bite so all I could taste was a burger that tasted fresh and high quality but ultimately lacking in any real taste. Also, we all ordered our burgers "with a little pink" (in favor of the only other choice offered "no pink"), but they all came decidedly unpink, probably just a few degrees below well done. Not cooking a burger to order is always unacceptable, but at least it's somewhat understandable when a diner offers a vague description like, "medium well." But when the only choices you offer are "some pink" or "no pink," you damn well better get the color right. And they didn't, and not just on one burger, but on all of them. That means it wasn't a fluke but a general lack of competence or consistency on the part of the cooking staff. It couldn't have been a miscommunication, because all of our burgers came labeled "some pink." I hate to harp on this point, but not being able to cook a burger to order is kind of a deal-breaker for any burger enthusiast.

The service was pretty fantastic, however. Our server Eric was friendly, enthusiastic, and attentive. If there was any problem with the service, it was that it was too fast. Our meals came about ten minutes or so after we places our order. I sure don't like having to wait a long time for my meal to arrive, but I also don't want to feel rushed. Getting seated and out the door within 40 minutes made me feel as though our enjoyment of the meal was a lot less important than being able to fill that booth a few dozen more times before closing the door. This complaint is in stark contrast to the horror stories I had heard about excessively long wait times to get a table. We were given a table immediately, and then almost forced our the door at record speed.

Burger Jones is one of those places that just... is. It's there, people eat there, but I can't see it acquiring the same popularity held by the other restaurants owned by the same management company. Salut, Figlio, and the Good Earth (et all) are fantastic restaurants with wonderful food that offer a value for your dollar. Burger Jones feels overpriced and underwhelming. When it was first announced, the owners said it would be the ultimate burger joint, with a long menu of burgers ranging from gourmet to diner-style, but it really has a surprisingly small menu of less than exceptional selections.

Sure, they only opened recently and I probably shouldn't judge them too harshly considering that, but... come on. T-shirts? Call me petty for harping on a point, but I can't help but feel that the time and money spent on manufacturing souvenirs would've been better spent on chefs who don't overcook a bland, tasteless burger patty. Next time I actually have a "jonesing" for a good burger, I'd sooner go to Herkimer, Bulldog, Matt's, the Nook, or a dozen or so other places across the Twin Cities that offer exceptional burgers and actually offer a good value for your money.

2.5 out of 5

The CC Club

Shannon and I went to The CC Club for dinner the other night after much deliberation and discussion. We had been there before for drinks with some friends a while ago and had a dismal experience. Horrible service, a dank, dirty atmosphere, and too many loud, obnoxious drunks. But maybe dinner time would be better? And... it was. But I still don't know if I ever need to go there again.

We walked in a few minutes past 7:00pm and were stopped by a guy sitting at the first booth eating a platter of tacos. He demanded to see our IDs, so he was either a bouncer or just a guy who loves eating tacos and looking at strangers' drivers licenses. Either way, it was a little weird to show an ID just to get into a pub at dinner time. So if you're 20 years old and just want a burger, move along, son. No luck eating here. And then, after were sat down at a booth near the center of the room, a waitress took our drink order and then asked if we were going to be paying by cash or credit. When I said it was going to be credit, she said she would need my card upfront in order to open a tab. Again, this was dinner time. Being forced to open a tab or pay immediately is a policy that makes sense later at night when there are drunk people demanding drinks, but it hardly seems necessary when you're sitting at a table and ordering dinner. But, whatever, that's their policy and it's their right to enforce it.

The drink specials were a few different mediocre taps for 3 bucks a piece, which is pretty much the norm for an Uptown Happy Hour, though their happy hour runs until 11pm most nights which is pretty cool.

I got the chicken tender basket, which came with a generous six pieces of chicken, fries, cole slaw, toast (?), and a choice of either barbecue sauce, honey mustard, or both. Honestly, who's not going to choose both when given that kind of option? The menu boasted that the tenders are the "best in town," and while I probably wouldn't go so far as to say that's accurate, I certainly can't think of any that are better. They were darn good chicken tenders. The fries were good as well, but nothing memorable or all that special. They were just fries. The toast was toast, and I surprised myself by eating both pieces and kind of wanted more. I can't comment on the cole slaw because I don't eat that crap.

Shannon got a patty melt, which was also pretty good as far as these things go. It was a good, greasy burger smushed between two pieces of bread, and smothered with onions and cheese. CC Club is one of those places where the burgers only come with potato chips for some reason, so if you want fries you'll have to pay extra. But at least the chips were quite good. I'm not sure if they were from a bag or home made, but if they were home made I wouldn't be surprised.

Service was perfunctory without being all that good or all that bad. She was there when we needed her and was probably nice enough, but not so nice that I really remember. Shannon did spill half a glass of beer, however, and the waitress was nice enough to bring her a new one free of charge. At least... we think it was free. We never actually got an itemized so that kind of remains a mystery, but I'm pretty sure it was free. Anyway, that tipped the service over the line past perfunctory to actually being good. So there you go.

All things considered, the CC Club has good bar food, but I don't think it compares with the Bulldog which is right across the street, nor does it hold a candle to The Herkimer or the Uptown Bar, all of which have exceptional bar food and much better ambiance. But CC Club is definitely the cheapest of the four, and it is certainly good enough for at least one visit, but I don't feel the need to go back. It's the kind of place I probably wouldn't visit of my own volition, but if a friend wanted to, I'd definitely be up for some chicken tenders and toast. But I'm still not gonna eat the cole slaw.

3 out of 5

Uptown Art Fair

My personal opinion of the annual Uptown Art Fair is kind of biased by the fact that I live in Uptown, right along the mall that's pictured in that photograph. The fair is literally spread out all around my apartment building, so for me it isn't fun, it isn't charming, and it isn't anything special. It's a nuisance. It's just three days where I can't find anywhere to park, can't sit in my apartment without hearing crowds of people walking by or live music blaring away in the distance, or do something as simple as walk to the grocery store to buy some milk without navigating through crowds a thousand people deep.

But if you don't live right in the middle of the fair, I guess I could see how it might be kind of neat.

And just for the record, free parking is provided for uptown residents whose roads are closed for the fair, but it's such a pain in the ass it's not even worth the trouble. A week or so before the fair, some office in the basement of some building in Uptown is open for, I think, three odd hours for only two days where you can pick up a parking pass on a first come, first serve basis. I didn't bother with it this year because the past two times I did it the parking lot provided was so far away and so awkward to get to that it was actually less convenient that just parking a mile or so away away from the fair. Last year the "parking lot" was in an abandoned lot with no signs or markings designating it as any kind of parking lot, on the end of a dead-end street that didn't even have a street sign posted. And I'm not making this up.

But enough about me and my troubles: How is the fair?

The fair is... ok, if you're into that sort of thing. To be honest, even if I didn't live here, I wouldn't really be into that sort of thing. It's fun to walk around and check out the booths, if it's not too excruciatingly humid (which would be a rare thing indeed for Minneapolis in the middle of August), since much of the art is quite spectacular. If you love local art -- or any art, for that matter -- there is a lot of really cool, really well done stuff to be seen and purchased. I've certainly never been at a loss for things to admire and wish I could purchase, but I never do because it's all so damned expensive. I understand that artists have to make a living, and that their supplies are very costly, but a few thousand dollars for a painting is a luxory I've never been able -- or willing -- to afford. So only come if you are very, very rich, or just looking at the fair as an extended, outdoor museum as I do.

And then there's the food, which is just as overpriced but also mediocre. If you love the similarly overpriced, medicure food from the State Fair, I guess you'd like the food here too, although even you would have to admit the varriety is limited. Personally, I don't want to pay 6 bucks for warm, flat beer or similarly exhorbitant fees for a crummy hot dog or a tiny falafel. Although to be fair, considering how quickly restaurants have been closing lately in Uptown, it is nice to finally be able to get some decent, fast grub without having to go to either McDonald's or Jimmy Johns.

So... the Uptown Art Fair. It's worth checking out if you are willing to drive around for an hour looking for a parking space in order to look at art you won't buy and eat food you won't like. If you decide to come by, be sure to knock on my window and say hi.

The Bulldog

My girlfriend lives right around the corner from The Bulldog, so I always suggest it when we're thinking about what to do for dinner. I suggest it not only because it's so close, but because their bar food is fantastic and they have a ridiculously large selection of beers on tap and in bottles. Shannon usually shoots it down because the service is pretty bad, the space is dark and dingy, and the entire atmosphere is generally unappealing and uncomfortable.

And... we're both right.

Sure, Bulldog isn't going to win any rave reviews for their atmosphere, which most definitely is very dingy (her word for the place, not mine, but there's really no better adjective to describe it). If you wanted to be charitable, you could say the Bulldog is "charming" and and leave it at that, but we all know what that means. It's just a dark, dingy, windowless room with a bunch of high tables lining the walls around the bar. The enclosed patio is a little better, but it's where the smokers go so having actual light is the trade-0ff for the disgusting smell of cigarettes while you eat and drink.

The service is occasionally friendly but usually very slow, but that's ok because at least it's never been rude.

But enough about the atmosphere. Nobody goes to a bar for atmosphere. If you want atmosphere, go to a "restaurant," your royal highness. I go to a bar to drink and eat, and the Bulldog more than delivers. To begin with, their menu is longer and more varied than any bar menu has to be. If you can't find something on their that makes your mouth water, then you don't deserve to eat. Standouts include the amazing Chicago Style Italian Beef Sandwich, the Fish & Chips (you know they're good because there's already malt vinegar on the table), or the extensive selection of hot dogs. But you'll probably just end up getting a hamburger, which is fine because they're awesome. The Bulldog is the kind of restaurant that when you order a burger medium rare, it will actually come medium rare, not well done. (*cough* Herkimer *cough*)

And how can you not love any restaurant that has deviled eggs on their appetizer menu? I've never ordered them, but only because I don't want to risk getting drunk after deviled eggs were the last thing I've eaten. But I'm sure they're very good.

The beer menu is just as long as their food menu, and has a mixture of stuff that sounds fancy and expensive with, you know, stuff I actually order. Happy hour is every day from 3-7 and gets you $1 off taps and bottles. It's not the best happy hour in town, but it's better than nothing and it's long enough to make it worth coming here during dinner time.

At the end of the day, the Bulldog would be just another dingy dive, but they've managed to make themselves standout as something special because of their extensive menu and outstanding food. And to be fair, whenever I do convince Shannon to eat there, she admits that the food is good and the atmosphere isn't that bad. But it would be nice if they, you know, had a window.

4 out of 5