Midtown Mission Part 1: Andy's Garage

Here is the mission I have set for myself: To eat at every restaurant in the Midtown Global Market by the end of Summer/start of fall, or at least until it becomes too cold to bike there from my apartment.

Why? Because I love the Market, but I always tend to visit the same one or two places over and over again, so I wanted to force myself to branch out and try more things, at least for the sake of this blog. It's also the perfect distance for a nice bike ride, and I'd like to force myself to do more of that as well. So... I have begun the Midtown Mission.

Andy's Garage was my first choice to begin my mission, not only because I've heard so many raves about their food, but because I always overlook them when I visit. I always figure I can get a burger and fries anywhere, so why not get something more exotic? Anyway, yesterday I finally gave Andy's a try, and it was pretty good, but not exceptional.

Their menu is quite extensive, with a variety of different burgers and sandwiches, but I just got a cheeseburger and fries, because I don't care what you put on a burger, just cheese and pickles is going to be better. The service was great and very fast, although the wait for the food to come was about ten or fifteen minutes, but that's ok because everything was clearly made to order, and unlike many places in the Market, their seating area doesn't feel overcrowded or right in the middle of a busy hallway. And the space is fun to just look at, since it is a pretty nice facsimile of some greasy spoon diner from the fifties, and somehow manages to be cool without being overly obnoxious, if that makes any sense.

The best part of the burger was the bun, which tasted fresh and had that perfect tenderness that made it soft to the bite, but firm enough to not get soggy when wrapped around a juicy cheeseburger. The burger was perfectly cooked (although they didn't ask me how I wanted it done, so be warned that the default is toward well done, or at least mine was) and very juicy and tasted fresh, but I had to admit it was too salty for my tastes. I choose my words their very diplomatically because, as I said, people rave about this place and it's always crowded, so maybe it's just my tastes or maybe it was just an off day. Either way, I found the salt to be overpower and off-putting, which is a shame because everything else seemed so perfect.

The fries were about as fresh as I'll ever get at any restaurant anywhere, since they literally cut up the potato after I ordered, and the difference was amazing. I've never had fries that fresh or that well cooked. However... they were too salty for my tastes. I hate to say it, but there you go. Too salty for my tastes. I'd definitely go back for those fries, and ordering them with no salt shouldn't be a problem considering how they were a whole potato just five minutes before I placed my order.

So that's Andy's Garage, an almost perfect culinary experience, except for the fact that everything was over-salted for my tastes, but I'll definitely give them another try, and I do recommend you try them as well. I did get a pretty good cheeseburger, fries, and a fountain soda for under ten bucks, which is about as cheap a lunch as you'll get at the market. But ask them to go light on the salt.

The Malt Shop

I've been going to The Malt Shop a lot lately, because my friend Jester is desperately trying to become their mayor on Foursquare. I think she gave up on that because she realized that becoming mayor of a restaurant is impossible unless you actually work there, since eating out that often will only end up making you fat and broke. Well, The Malt Shop will make you fat, anyway, but probably not broke, since it's a super good but super cheap diner in South Minneapolis that has great burgers, awesome fries, and, of course, malts. Even if Jester didn't want to be mayor, we'd go there anyway.

I'll admit, the place doesn't look like much... which is actually just a polite way of calling it a dump. It's not dirty or gross, just plain and boring and maybe a little garish in their choice of decorations. But it's also charming and nice and feels authentic. The website says it was established in 1973, and I bet they haven't changed or updated much in these past 39 years. In fact, I would've gotten the same impression if they website had said they were established in 1953, or even earlier. This was the kind of place I would've gone to with my parents when I was a kid, and that they would've gone to with their parents when they were a kid. Long story short: It's a diner, and a darn good one.

Fish and Chips

I've been there a bunch of times, and only once did I get something other than a burger. I always intend to not get a burger, since I want to try the whole menu, or close to it anyway, but the burgers are so good I almost always break down. And since they have a pretty decent collection of different burgers, I'm eager to try them all as well. The one time I didn't get a burger was when I got the fish and chips. They were pretty good, but far from the best in the Twin Cities. They came with a pretty good but not all together exceptional tartar sauce, and were served in small pieces of four instead of large pieces of two. Weird, but not a deal breaker. Anyway, they were good, but if you want fish and chips, go to Brit's Pub, the Anchor, or The Local.

If you want a burger, however, go to The Malt Shop.

Jester always gets the LS Burger, which is a bacon cheeseburger. I've had the Malt Shop Supreme, which is basically just the LS Burger with mushrooms and avocado, and it was amazing. I've also had the Black and Bleu burger (Cajun burger with bleu cheese) and the Megamelt (pattymelt), both of which were also amazing. Well, maybe amazing isn't the right word, since I wouldn't call any of these the absolute best burgers you'll ever have, or even the best burgers in South Minneapolis. But they are delicious, perfectly prepared, and pretty big. Oh, and the most expensive burger on the menu is still only $8.99, and they all come with a pile of some of the best french fries around. They're thick -- but not too thick -- and taste fresh and delicious. Also, I like my burger cooked medium rare, and The Malt Shop chefs actually cook them medium rare every time. This sounds like a small thing to rave about, but it's odd how rarely this happens (no pun intended).

Maltshop Supreme... I think

Black and Bleu Burger

Megamelt

They also have a few different local beers on tap for about five bucks. At least, I think they're on tap. They serve them in a glass anyway. I wish I had tried more of the menu so I could talk about it, but, honestly, the burgers are so good I don't feel like I'm missing much.Of course, they also have malts, but I've only had a sip of somebody's and thought it was pretty great. Everybody always seems to get one and then raves about them. I'm not a big malt guy, so I wish I had more to say about the drink for which this place was named. I texted Jester and asked her for a couple lines about the malts for this review, and this was here reply:

I don't know what to say. They're yummy and fun to dip the fries in.

So... there you go.

The service ranges from excellent to awful, depending on whose section you're in. I don't want to get too personal, but the entire wait staff is attentive, friendly, and helpful, except for this one guy who's actually a huge jerk. You'll know him if you get him, and if you don't get him, you'll have no complaints. Anyway, that's The Malt Shop. Check it out if you want a great, cheap meal in a fun, cool place... just don't check in on Foursquare! Let Jester be mayor already.

The Bad Waitress

Don't be scared off by the name. The service at The Bad Waitress isn't bad, though it isn't exactly exemplary either. In fact, the servers can only be referred to as waitresses in the most limited sense of the word, since you have to seat yourself and order and pay at the counter. The waitresses bring the food to your table and, on occasion, will offer to refill your drink, but that's the full extent of the service. So the place may as well be called No Waitress all things considered. But what's in a name? No matter what you want to call it, Bad Waitress has some of the best diner food in the Twin Cities.

I'm going to praise the Bad Waitress by quickly pointing out one of my biggest restaurant pet peeves: When you walk into a restaurant for the first time and have no idea what to do. Do you seat yourself or wait? So you'll stand there for a bit waiting for help that never comes, the awkwardness growing as the servers walk past you without saying anything or letting you know what the deal is. I hate that and so do you. But the Bad Waitress, thankfully, has a sign letting you know that you seat yourself, where you'll then find detailed instructions on how to order and pay. It's academic and it's hardly worth the dedication of an entire paragraph in this review, but it's a nice thing all the same that's much appreciated.

The menu is diner fair, but kicked up with a retro twist. The burgers are very good, but not good enough to win any best of awards. The breakfast selections are numerous, but all kind of bland in my opinion, though I have heard many people rave about it. But I go for lunch, because the sandwiches are off the hook. Their tuna melt is hands down the best I've ever had anywhere. I don't know what they add to the tuna to make it so good, but it's one of the best things I've ever eaten. No joke. Other standouts are the curried chicken salad and the hot pastrami sandwich. But, really, I've never received any sandwiches here that were less than fantastic.

But here's a nitpick: No french fries. I'm not going to say it's a deal breaker, since I go there quite often and always enjoy it, but I do think it's mistake. I just love french fries with a burger or sandwich, and I know in my heart that theirs would be delicious. What you do get with your order are tortilla chips and an amazing, homemade salsa. The salsa is seriously better than anything you'd get at most Mexican restaurants, with a fresh, robust flavor that will almost make you forgive them for not having french fries. Almost.

The Bad Waitress also offers happy hour and daily specials, none of which are all that amazing or worth mentioning in detail here. Check their website for more information. The decor is kitschy, but without being annoyingly so. Monster movie posters from the 50s adorn the walls and each table is given a different comic book character to let the servers know where to bring your food. The booths and tables are all extremely comfortable, and I guess they have wi-fi since I always see people with laptops. At the end of the day, it's just a bright, laid back diner with great food and no waitresses. Check it out.

5 out of 5

Matt's Bar

I finally lost my virginity today.

At least, according to the guy sitting next to us at Matt's Bar. After standing awkwardly in the doorway for a few minutes -- because Matt's is the kind of place where you do that for the first time, because there are no signs telling you what to do and the entire staff ignores you -- some guy told flagged me and my girlfriend down and said there were two stools open at the end of the bar next to him. It turned out his name was John and he was a Matt's regular who had been coming ever since he was a kid. John was a talkative guy who talked to us throughout our meal, and when he found out that I had never been there before, he exclaimed, "We've got a virgin!"

You get the feeling that kind of thing happens all the time at Matt's, ones of those bars that's somehow able to turn dinginess into charm when viewed through the lens of nostalgia. I'm from New England originally and not Minnesota, so to me Matt's is just a dive bar that serves the original Jucy Lucy, a burger with the cheese on the inside instead of on the top. But to people who live here, it is an institution and the Jucy Lucy has somehow achieved almost mythic stature. So of course I had to try it, but the fact that it took me about six years to do so should tell you about how skeptical I was.

I think in order to truly appreciate the Jucy Lucy at Matt's, you need to sit next to John. He warned us about the cheese, gave us advice on how to eat it, and regaled us with stories of the history of both Matt's and the city in general. He talked so much and was so effusively charming, we almost wanted him to -- and I need to put this delicately -- shut the hell up already and leave us alone. But he definitely made us laugh and added to the ambiance of the place.

Then again, sitting next to John only serves to hype the burger up even more. And, as burgers go, there can't be many that have achieved higher acclaim, won more awards, or topped as many "Best of" lists in as many magazines and newspapers. Even if the burger isn't exactly world famous, enough Minnesotans seem to think it is so it amounts to the same thing. Few legends ever live up to the hype. But then again, some do.

A lot of people honestly believe that the Jucy Lucy at Matt's bar lives up to the hype. But I didn't really think so, though I thought it was a very tasty burger for sure. But I wouldn't rank it as the best burger in the Twin Cities, nor even one of the top ten. It was just a pretty good burger with some cheese in the middle instead of on top. It's fun the first time you bite into it and get scalded by hot cheese that pours onto your fingers and down your chin, but it got less fun as I continued to eat. It didn't get less tasty, but it definitely got messy and less appealing. Also, as a person who enjoys a medium rare burger with a nice pink center, a well done burger with a cheesy center doesn't really do it for me. But, again, it's a good burger, and for the price it's worth getting, if not once, maybe even multiple times.

The fries, however, were exceptional, and served in a heaping pile. A half order is also offered, which I'd probably recommend for the people who don't have the appetite of, say, John from Matt's Bar. My girlfriend and I ate maybe half of our order, but not because they weren't good. I wasn't as enthused about the drink offerings, which include 3.2 beer or pop in cans. I'm not going to comment on their choice to have 3.2 beer on tap, but having just cans of soda is a little vexing, considering how long the burgers took to cook. If I'm eating at a restaurant, I want fountain soda with free refills, not cans. It's their right to serve it that way, of course, but it's almost enough of a dealbreaker that I would be more likely to go somewhere else.

At the end of the day, Matt's Bar is a charming place that was a lot of fun but didn't quite live up to the hype. I liked the burger, but I certainly didn't love it, and I'm still confused as to how it achieved a celebrity status that makes it the subject of TV shows and magazine articles. Bottom line: if my friends told me they were going to Matt's for burgers, I'd definitely tag along, order a Jucy Lucy, and have a great time, but I wouldn't choose to go there on my own. But if you do go there, say hit to John for me. He's always on the lookout for some virgins.

3 out of 5

Sunnyside Up Cafe

(This restaurant has closed)

Here is all you need to know about Sunnyside Up Cafe: It has the best breakfast in the Twin Cities. But... I guess I should elaborate on that.

Sunnyside Up also offers lunch and (on certain nights) dinner, but I can't comment on either of those options because I go there for breakfast. Even were I to go there later in the day with the intention of getting lunch or dinner, I'm sure I would break down and end up getting breakfast anyway. And why not? It's just so damn good.

Calling the place a greasy spoon would probably be too flattering, and it if ever appears on that show Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, it wouldn't be because it's a diner or a drive-in. It's one large, garishly designed room with strange, oddly captivating murals on the wall depicting anthropomorphic armadillos, turtles, and other such animals camping out in the desert. The service is curt but perfunctory, and they must have a high turn-over rate because I rarely see the same server more than once or twice. Service speed is usually pretty snappy during the week, but expect excruciatingly long waits for both a table and then your food on the weekends.

The menu contains the usual breakfast fair in the usual combinations and varieties, though the flavors are certainly extraordinary and the portion sizes are huge. You could definitely order a combination plate and finish it all in one sitting, but I don't recommend it. One of my favorite things about breakfast at Sunnyside Up is being able to take my leftovers home to eat for lunch and dinner. Along with the usual eggs, pancakes, and other breakfast standards, are the kitchen's fantastic Tex Mex inspired dishes, including the best juevoes rancheroes I've ever had (and, granted, I live in Minnesota and not Mexico) and a "cowboy" pork torillia torte that is totally off the hook.

I usually get the eggs Benedict with American fries, since the homemade hollandaise sauce is amazing, and their potatoes have just the right blend of flavor and crunch. The french toast is also fantastic in somewhat unique, having a crunchy crust made from cornflakes, or some other such cereal. And they always have different specials, combos, and new items.

I can't recommend this place highly enough, with the only downsides being occasionally slow and less than enthusiastic service, but the food is so good, and the ambiance so laid back and comfortable, that you won't mind waiting. Also, they only accept cash and checks, but there is an ATM located at the back in case you only have a credit card. Oh, and the bathrooms are pretty gross, and they take you right past the open kitchen which looks ever grosser, but the less said about that the better.

5 out of 5

Mickey's Diner

Mickey's Diner is a Twin Cities Institution. Mickey's Diner is on the National Historic Register. Mickey's Diner was seen briefly in such films as Prairie Home Companion, The Mighty Ducks, and Jingle All the Way, and featured in an episode of Rachel Ray's Tasty Travels. Mickey's Diner is the favorite restaurant of former governor and wrestling superstar Jessie "the Body" Ventura.
Oh yeah, and Mickey's Diner really sucks.
It's certainly not without its charm, of course. Dare I say Mickey's may even be the most charming restaurants in the cities. It's a stainless steel, WWII era train car style diner in the heart of St. Paul. As historical landmarks go, it's one of the oldest and most gorgeous restaurants in the city. From a distance anyway. Once you get close enough to see the rust on the steel and the grime in the windows, the charm sort of starts to fade. But don't let that scare you away! If you made it that far you may as well go in and spend an awkward 45 minutes waiting for a seat to open up so you can suffer through really terrible service and attempt to finish a completely inedible meal. But maybe I'm being harsh. After all, it is charming.
"But, Donald!" some of you are probably shouting at your computer screens. "You're completely missing the point of a diner! You don't go there for the food, you go there for the atmosphere!"
To that I say, "shove it!"
I love diners. I've grown up in diners. As much as I love a gourmet meal, I'm a simple man at heart and have always felt more comfortable in a greasy spoon dive than anywhere else. But that's provided the food is at least edible, though decent would be preferable, and actually good would be best of all. Diners are restaurants too, and diner food is good. But Mickey's Diner really sucks.
When I bit into my burger, my heart sank. It was that bad, and not just the taste, but the consistency as well. It wasn't meat. I'm not exaggerating by saying I could get a less processed, meatier burger patty at McDonald's than the one I was served at Mickey's Diner. The two people with whom I ate both got breakfast, which was marginally better than my burger, but nothing really to write home - or anywhere - about. One was a bland, kind of unappealing omelet smothered in chili and the other was a bland fried egg on toast that would've tasted better from my own kitchen. And I'm a mediocre cook. But so is the guy working the griddle at Mickey's Diner. Have I mentioned yet that their food sucks?
I suppose I'd be a little nicer and forgiving had their service been, you know, not lacking in the most basic human decency. I don't know about you, but I don't like to feel as though I'm inconveniencing a wait staff by actually eating in their restaurant. Open hostility isn't great for a patron's digestive system.
But that's just me. Maybe you'll love this place. If you do, they are open 24 hours a day in order to serve your needs. After all, Jessie Ventura wouldn't lie to you.
1 out of 5